I’m writing to get some guidance on a tricky issue that’s been heavy on my heart for quite some time.
I married my wife when I was 20 and she was 22. One of the unique dynamics is that my wife remains best friends with her ex-boyfriend, who is now openly gay. About five years after we tied the knot, she confessed she was still in love with him—even though their romance transformed when he came out during their teenage years.
For a long time, my wife and I lacked the deep connection I wished for. Now, she tells me she loves me, but I still have my doubts. She talks or texts him at least two to three times a day, every day, which feels excessive.
No matter where we go or what we do, she feels the need to keep him in the loop, almost like they share a life together. Even though they live in different states—him in Nevada, us in California—their communication never pauses. I struggle with this constant connection.
When we’re out, there were times they’d hold hands, making me feel like an outsider. After being married for 17 years and having two kids, we’ve improved in some areas, but there’s still something off. I know she has affection for me, but I consistently feel undesired.
Although our travels create good memories, the shadow of her ex-boyfriend looms large—it’s a presence I can no longer bear. Yet, I dread the idea of losing her, as it would shatter our family.
My kids have even noticed that he seems to take precedence in her life. In our discussions, she often dismisses my feelings as jealousy and sides with her ex, making me feel alone. Both she and her ex show certain narcissistic traits. Whenever I mention him, the response is usually anger, telling me I need to learn to cope with it. Her insistence that he’s family complicates matters even further, as he represents stability in her troubled past.
Therapy has been a part of my healing journey. I’ve worked on my co-dependencies and have been in individual therapy for three years as well as couples therapy for a year. But now, it seems she’s hit her limit with growth, leaving me feeling lost.
While I can’t detail every nuance, this gives you an idea of my struggle. I stand at a crossroads and need some guidance on how to move forward without breaking apart my family. How do I navigate this?
Daniel, California
‘Set Boundaries with Professional Guidance’
Brittany Cilento Kopycienski, a licensed counselor from Philadelphia, has expertise in trauma and relationship counseling.
First off, kudos on your openness. Your involvement in couples therapy is commendable and indicates a willingness to mend the communication gap in your relationship.
As you look forward, continue to be as open in counseling as you have been here. Share your feelings about your wife’s relationship with her ex and the notion of setting boundaries. It sounds like you’re grappling with feelings of powerlessness, which can often emerge in such circumstances. I suggest working with your couples therapist to establish clear boundaries regarding her ‘friend.’
Even if her ex has no romantic feelings anymore, that emotional connection remains crucial. Explore your own boundaries individually or through further therapy. It’s absolutely fine to have boundaries; what’s essential is how you communicate and uphold them. Setting boundaries may test your relationship, but those willing to stay will respect them.
I genuinely wish you all the best. Your love for her is evident, but it’s vital to resolve the tension this situation creates for you both.
‘Encourage Honest Dialogue’
Rachel Marmor, a licensed mental health counselor and chief wellness officer at PAIRS Foundation, shares her expertise on relationship dynamics.
Thanks for reaching out with such a layered relationship dilemma. The emotional struggles you’re experiencing with your wife and her ex-boyfriend bring up deep feelings of insecurity and confusion, especially given your family dynamics.
A potentially useful tool for you is the PAIRS Talking Tips, which aids in maintaining open and authentic communication. Here’s a way you might approach the conversation:
Husband: “I notice that you communicate with [ex-boyfriend] daily, and it feels like he might hold more importance at times than our relationship. This dynamic makes me feel like I’m on the sidelines, and when you hold his hand, it hurts me. I feel like I’ve had to work hard to set boundaries to protect what we have, but it seems my feelings are often brushed aside.”
“I’m worried about how this impacts our relationship and family. I value the growth in our marriage, yet I want a balance where your connection with him doesn’t overshadow us. I appreciate the efforts you’ve made, but it’s clear this is a tangled situation that needs addressing.”
This approach focuses on your feelings rather than casting blame, creating a more productive dialogue and reducing defensiveness. Understanding why her relationship with her ex is so crucial could lead to healthier ways to meet those needs within your marriage.
Your ongoing therapeutic work is essential as you sort through these challenges. It’s crucial for maintaining your clarity and self-respect. The progress you’ve made individually can help you navigate this storm, regardless of the future of your marriage.
Both partners have to be willing to grow together. With tools like PAIRS Talking Tips, you can establish a new foundation of trust and understanding. With an open mindset and a readiness to adapt, there’s potential for a more balanced, loving, and secure relationship.